Lesson 1

(I am working through A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson.  It requires journaling for each of the 21 lessons.  I have decided to make this journaling a part of the blog so that all of my thoughts related to my lifestyle change can be in one place.)

Lesson 1 explains that for a lot of people, excess weight is something that we hide behind or a wall that is built.  To some degree, I think like I feel "safe" in my fatness.  It's the consummate excuse not to try things, to hide in the back of the crowd, or to stay below the radar.  It's not that I want to be fat, it's just easier.  Safer.  I must like something about, or I would be pushed harder to lose weight, right?  The author lists several emotions which represent the "bricks" in the "wall" that has been built and the reader is supposed to complete the sentences openly in an effort to take down each "brick."

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I am ashamed of my inability to exercise self-control.  In food, in anger, in decision-making, in many things.

I am angry at myself for letting myself get to this point.  I am angry at everyone who thinks I can simply just change the way I am.

I am afraid of always being overweight.  I am afraid that this is what I'm meant to be.  I am afraid I'm not strong enough to change my eating and activity habits.  I am afraid of being a big fat failure.

I haven't forgiven lots of high school "friends" for the names in school.  I haven't forgiven an ex for putting the fault on my shoulders.  I haven't forgiven myself for the bad decisions I have made.

I judge my husband for his lack of self-control.  I judge others for not taking care of themselves in ways much less permanent or devastating than weight issues.

I feel disdain for when people express concern for or notice my struggle with weight... unsolicited.

I am responsible for my family, my house, my classes.

I feel so pressured about not letting any of my responsibilities fall to the wayside.  Staying afloat.

I am exhausted because I spend so much time retracing my duties, going over the next day, going over yesterday, etc.  I am exhausted because I am carrying around too much weight for my body.  I am exhausted because I can't shut down at night at a reasonable hour.

I am burdened by bad decisions I have made in the past.

I am stressed by lack of exercise, quiet time, and trying to keep up with my own expectations of myself.


My heart is heavy because I am afraid I will not be able to fulfill my need to have one more child.


It isn't fair that I can't go into my kitchen right now and have a bowl of cereal.


I feel I need protection from my desire to consume large quantities of food, mindlessly eating myself into discomfort.


I am prideful when I don't feel like people understand my motivation.  I don't think that I'm perfect by any means, but I deserve to be heard. 


I am selfish when someone tries to take my chocolate.


I get jealous when skinny people don't appreciate how great they have it.


I get greedy when I don't think anyone's watching.

I am lazy when I feel particularly heavy or that exercising won't make a difference.


I feel separate from old friends.  Out of the loop.  Disconnected.


I don't feel that I can be honest about.... hmm.  I feel like I am TOO honest most of the time.  It gets me in trouble a lot.


I am better than... I think I am?  I have more control than I give myself credit for.

I feel not as good as a skinny person might feel, particularly while exercising.


I feel embarrassed because I let myself get to this point.  I wasn't like this as a child, so there had to be some point at which I started to gain weight.


I have built this wall so that no one expects me to look perfect; so that I have one less thing to maintain; so that I can always eat my feelings.  Because it feels better to soothe myself with food than it does to work off my feelings through exercise.  I am hiding behind my fat because I feel less conspicuous that way.
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