I had an incredible day today.
Nothing remarkable, just felt like I had more energy, wasn't hungry, and feeling positive.
I did a 30 Day Shred workout as soon as I got up. Didn't even have my normal cup of coffee. (Norah "exercised" with me. It made me realize how important it is for me to model good exercise and eating habits for her. I'm not sure where I learned my bad eating habits, but I know that I did not really value physical fitness when it mattered most, and now I've gotten into a lot of trouble because of that.) After the workout, I didn't even need my cup of coffee! That saved me 2 points and earned me 3! I am just the right amount of sore. Hopefully I won't be in massive pain tomorrow, because that's what I'm doing right away!
I had a pretty easy time staying on program today, but there weren't a whole lot of temptations either. Norah and I went to the grocery and stocked up on some of the things I learned about in the meeting last night. My mouth started to water a little bit (ok, a lot) when we went into the ice cream aisle to get Cool Whip Free, but I turned around and went the long way around the other end of the aisle. I went to Target later that night and found Skinny Cow Dreamy Clusters (yum! 4 points a bag!) and did not pick up any additional candy items. Win!
The biggest win of today was when I poured a giant bag of M&Ms (used for Norah's potty-sitting/using rewards) into a plastic container to store them more conveniently than in a half-ripped bag, and I didn't eat one in the process. Not. One.
I feel freaking FABULOUS.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Lesson 2
"You're you, whether you're eating wisely or eating excessively. But when you're eating wisely, you're expressing love for yourself. When you're eating excessively, you're expressing fear. Love dissolves fear the way light dissolves darkness. Fat cells will dissolve permanently when they are dissolved through the power of love."
Lesson 2 is about getting Thin You and Not Thin You to communicate. Not Thin You is not going to leave until she is accepted and loved. Scaring her away will not work... This reminds me a little bit of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.
**********
Dear FatAss,
I don't think you realize how much you have done to sabotage my life. There are things that I don't do, places I don't go, and people I don't see because I'm afraid that having you around will draw the kind of attention to me I don't want. I have spent SO much time sitting around, promising myself that you'll be gone soon, instead of doing something about it. So, really, all I have to show for you being here is a lot of lost time and opportunities.
I don't even know how you got here. It was like I was running around like a normal kid and then all of a sudden I got boobs and thought I was fat. Did someone tell me I was fat? Looking back in pictures, I can tell now that you (FatAss) didn't really show up until college. I might have thought I was fat in high school, but let me tell you. You, FatAss, were nowhere to be found yet.
But you're here now. Uninvited. I've gotten used to you. It's cool to hide behind you, but to be honest, I miss being myself. I used to be outgoing, funny, and people liked being around me. Now I'm afraid to be my old self all the time because I don't want people to see you. (I'm aware of the irony; I hide behind you so that no one will see me with you.) I have to REALLY trust someone and feel comfortable with them before I can let myself relax. Between being afraid to go out and being afraid to be noticed, it has been a bitch to make friends.
I'm not sure why you're here. I have my suspicions, but it doesn't matter. My life is good now, and whatever happened to you to make you a FatAss isn't happening to you anymore. There are people in your life who REALLY love you, and they're not going to abuse you or play games with you. It really sucks that someone would do that, especially when you were only trying to be loved. People suck. That person sucks. I'm pretty sure that person knows that, and anyone who didn't see that then is crazy. You have no reason to be afraid, and you have a husband, a beaauuuuutiful daughter and awesome friends that you can talk to if you need to; you don't have to eat to make yourself feel better. For real, I know it sounds disgusting, but I've really actually enjoyed exercising for the past few days. Maybe you could try that instead of reaching for something to eat?
It would be really awesome if we could work together on being happy and not feeling like we need to hide behind food or... well, hide behind your FatAss. I just think it would be super cool to be able to wear low rise pants again without a muffintopper. I know that you were happy and beautiful before all of that happened... but that's over now, so maybe we could work together? My GOD, think about how FIERCE your hair was before your FatAss got all out of whack.
Sincerely,
Visible HipBones
Dear Visible HipBones,
Look. Here's the problem. I am tired of being a FatAss, but I have no opportunity to change anything. No, that's a lie. Sort of. I don't have a lot of time to spend on myself between work, kids, and everything else. However, there are times when you mean well and you try to bust out those zumba dvds and I'm just not feeling it. You either have shitty timing, or you cave too easily. Are you really listening to someone you have subconsciously named "FatAss" tell you that it would be better to sit on the couch and watch Hopkins MD instead of attempting a workout? Who is supposed to be in charge here? You're actually LETTING me be in control. A few things wrong with that: 1) I am a fat ass. 2) Obviously I am not good with control because control marches me straight to the refrigerator.
You are going to have to do two things: First, have better timing. You try carrying around 50-60 extra pounds all day and see how you feel when someone wants to do 30 minutes of cardio. Maybe early morning would work better for me? I would have less excuses first thing in the morning, anyway. Second, speak up for me. When your husband gives you a guilt trip for wanting to take an hour for US, remind him that for every hour that you have NOT taken for us in the past, I get a little more FatAssy. Also, please don't let the FatAss talk you into not exercising. Hello? You almost trick me with that yoga fluff (it does feel good), but we both know we're going to have to do some sweating to get anywhere.
In conclusion, grow a pair and use them. Take control of the situation. You are stronger than you think; you are going to have to want to help me a little more if you want me to work with you. I'm waiting.
Cordially,
FatAss
Lesson 2 is about getting Thin You and Not Thin You to communicate. Not Thin You is not going to leave until she is accepted and loved. Scaring her away will not work... This reminds me a little bit of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.
**********
Dear FatAss,
I don't think you realize how much you have done to sabotage my life. There are things that I don't do, places I don't go, and people I don't see because I'm afraid that having you around will draw the kind of attention to me I don't want. I have spent SO much time sitting around, promising myself that you'll be gone soon, instead of doing something about it. So, really, all I have to show for you being here is a lot of lost time and opportunities.
I don't even know how you got here. It was like I was running around like a normal kid and then all of a sudden I got boobs and thought I was fat. Did someone tell me I was fat? Looking back in pictures, I can tell now that you (FatAss) didn't really show up until college. I might have thought I was fat in high school, but let me tell you. You, FatAss, were nowhere to be found yet.
But you're here now. Uninvited. I've gotten used to you. It's cool to hide behind you, but to be honest, I miss being myself. I used to be outgoing, funny, and people liked being around me. Now I'm afraid to be my old self all the time because I don't want people to see you. (I'm aware of the irony; I hide behind you so that no one will see me with you.) I have to REALLY trust someone and feel comfortable with them before I can let myself relax. Between being afraid to go out and being afraid to be noticed, it has been a bitch to make friends.
I'm not sure why you're here. I have my suspicions, but it doesn't matter. My life is good now, and whatever happened to you to make you a FatAss isn't happening to you anymore. There are people in your life who REALLY love you, and they're not going to abuse you or play games with you. It really sucks that someone would do that, especially when you were only trying to be loved. People suck. That person sucks. I'm pretty sure that person knows that, and anyone who didn't see that then is crazy. You have no reason to be afraid, and you have a husband, a beaauuuuutiful daughter and awesome friends that you can talk to if you need to; you don't have to eat to make yourself feel better. For real, I know it sounds disgusting, but I've really actually enjoyed exercising for the past few days. Maybe you could try that instead of reaching for something to eat?
It would be really awesome if we could work together on being happy and not feeling like we need to hide behind food or... well, hide behind your FatAss. I just think it would be super cool to be able to wear low rise pants again without a muffintopper. I know that you were happy and beautiful before all of that happened... but that's over now, so maybe we could work together? My GOD, think about how FIERCE your hair was before your FatAss got all out of whack.
Sincerely,
Visible HipBones
Dear Visible HipBones,
Look. Here's the problem. I am tired of being a FatAss, but I have no opportunity to change anything. No, that's a lie. Sort of. I don't have a lot of time to spend on myself between work, kids, and everything else. However, there are times when you mean well and you try to bust out those zumba dvds and I'm just not feeling it. You either have shitty timing, or you cave too easily. Are you really listening to someone you have subconsciously named "FatAss" tell you that it would be better to sit on the couch and watch Hopkins MD instead of attempting a workout? Who is supposed to be in charge here? You're actually LETTING me be in control. A few things wrong with that: 1) I am a fat ass. 2) Obviously I am not good with control because control marches me straight to the refrigerator.
You are going to have to do two things: First, have better timing. You try carrying around 50-60 extra pounds all day and see how you feel when someone wants to do 30 minutes of cardio. Maybe early morning would work better for me? I would have less excuses first thing in the morning, anyway. Second, speak up for me. When your husband gives you a guilt trip for wanting to take an hour for US, remind him that for every hour that you have NOT taken for us in the past, I get a little more FatAssy. Also, please don't let the FatAss talk you into not exercising. Hello? You almost trick me with that yoga fluff (it does feel good), but we both know we're going to have to do some sweating to get anywhere.
In conclusion, grow a pair and use them. Take control of the situation. You are stronger than you think; you are going to have to want to help me a little more if you want me to work with you. I'm waiting.
Cordially,
FatAss
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Lesson 1
(I am working through A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. It requires journaling for each of the 21 lessons. I have decided to make this journaling a part of the blog so that all of my thoughts related to my lifestyle change can be in one place.)
Lesson 1 explains that for a lot of people, excess weight is something that we hide behind or a wall that is built. To some degree, I think like I feel "safe" in my fatness. It's the consummate excuse not to try things, to hide in the back of the crowd, or to stay below the radar. It's not that I want to be fat, it's just easier. Safer. I must like something about, or I would be pushed harder to lose weight, right? The author lists several emotions which represent the "bricks" in the "wall" that has been built and the reader is supposed to complete the sentences openly in an effort to take down each "brick."
********
I am ashamed of my inability to exercise self-control. In food, in anger, in decision-making, in many things.
I am angry at myself for letting myself get to this point. I am angry at everyone who thinks I can simply just change the way I am.
I am afraid of always being overweight. I am afraid that this is what I'm meant to be. I am afraid I'm not strong enough to change my eating and activity habits. I am afraid of being a big fat failure.
I haven't forgiven lots of high school "friends" for the names in school. I haven't forgiven an ex for putting the fault on my shoulders. I haven't forgiven myself for the bad decisions I have made.
I judge my husband for his lack of self-control. I judge others for not taking care of themselves in ways much less permanent or devastating than weight issues.
I feel disdain for when people express concern for or notice my struggle with weight... unsolicited.
I am responsible for my family, my house, my classes.
I feel so pressured about not letting any of my responsibilities fall to the wayside. Staying afloat.
I am exhausted because I spend so much time retracing my duties, going over the next day, going over yesterday, etc. I am exhausted because I am carrying around too much weight for my body. I am exhausted because I can't shut down at night at a reasonable hour.
I am burdened by bad decisions I have made in the past.
I am stressed by lack of exercise, quiet time, and trying to keep up with my own expectations of myself.
My heart is heavy because I am afraid I will not be able to fulfill my need to have one more child.
It isn't fair that I can't go into my kitchen right now and have a bowl of cereal.
I feel I need protection from my desire to consume large quantities of food, mindlessly eating myself into discomfort.
I am prideful when I don't feel like people understand my motivation. I don't think that I'm perfect by any means, but I deserve to be heard.
I am selfish when someone tries to take my chocolate.
I get jealous when skinny people don't appreciate how great they have it.
I get greedy when I don't think anyone's watching.
I am lazy when I feel particularly heavy or that exercising won't make a difference.
I feel separate from old friends. Out of the loop. Disconnected.
I don't feel that I can be honest about.... hmm. I feel like I am TOO honest most of the time. It gets me in trouble a lot.
I am better than... I think I am? I have more control than I give myself credit for.
I feel not as good as a skinny person might feel, particularly while exercising.
I feel embarrassed because I let myself get to this point. I wasn't like this as a child, so there had to be some point at which I started to gain weight.
I have built this wall so that no one expects me to look perfect; so that I have one less thing to maintain; so that I can always eat my feelings. Because it feels better to soothe myself with food than it does to work off my feelings through exercise. I am hiding behind my fat because I feel less conspicuous that way.
********
Lesson 1 explains that for a lot of people, excess weight is something that we hide behind or a wall that is built. To some degree, I think like I feel "safe" in my fatness. It's the consummate excuse not to try things, to hide in the back of the crowd, or to stay below the radar. It's not that I want to be fat, it's just easier. Safer. I must like something about, or I would be pushed harder to lose weight, right? The author lists several emotions which represent the "bricks" in the "wall" that has been built and the reader is supposed to complete the sentences openly in an effort to take down each "brick."
********
I am ashamed of my inability to exercise self-control. In food, in anger, in decision-making, in many things.
I am angry at myself for letting myself get to this point. I am angry at everyone who thinks I can simply just change the way I am.
I am afraid of always being overweight. I am afraid that this is what I'm meant to be. I am afraid I'm not strong enough to change my eating and activity habits. I am afraid of being a big fat failure.
I haven't forgiven lots of high school "friends" for the names in school. I haven't forgiven an ex for putting the fault on my shoulders. I haven't forgiven myself for the bad decisions I have made.
I judge my husband for his lack of self-control. I judge others for not taking care of themselves in ways much less permanent or devastating than weight issues.
I feel disdain for when people express concern for or notice my struggle with weight... unsolicited.
I am responsible for my family, my house, my classes.
I feel so pressured about not letting any of my responsibilities fall to the wayside. Staying afloat.
I am exhausted because I spend so much time retracing my duties, going over the next day, going over yesterday, etc. I am exhausted because I am carrying around too much weight for my body. I am exhausted because I can't shut down at night at a reasonable hour.
I am burdened by bad decisions I have made in the past.
I am stressed by lack of exercise, quiet time, and trying to keep up with my own expectations of myself.
My heart is heavy because I am afraid I will not be able to fulfill my need to have one more child.
It isn't fair that I can't go into my kitchen right now and have a bowl of cereal.
I feel I need protection from my desire to consume large quantities of food, mindlessly eating myself into discomfort.
I am prideful when I don't feel like people understand my motivation. I don't think that I'm perfect by any means, but I deserve to be heard.
I am selfish when someone tries to take my chocolate.
I get jealous when skinny people don't appreciate how great they have it.
I get greedy when I don't think anyone's watching.
I am lazy when I feel particularly heavy or that exercising won't make a difference.
I feel separate from old friends. Out of the loop. Disconnected.
I don't feel that I can be honest about.... hmm. I feel like I am TOO honest most of the time. It gets me in trouble a lot.
I am better than... I think I am? I have more control than I give myself credit for.
I feel not as good as a skinny person might feel, particularly while exercising.
I feel embarrassed because I let myself get to this point. I wasn't like this as a child, so there had to be some point at which I started to gain weight.
I have built this wall so that no one expects me to look perfect; so that I have one less thing to maintain; so that I can always eat my feelings. Because it feels better to soothe myself with food than it does to work off my feelings through exercise. I am hiding behind my fat because I feel less conspicuous that way.
********
Whoops.
I had a great day yesterday... and then my husband came home with Oreos. I am not blaming my lack of self control on him, and actually, I only ate 3 Oreos which may or may not be remarkable. (I don't really like Oreos. I think it was just the idea that they were off-limits that made me want need them.) And then for the rest of the night, I thought "well, I've already blown it," so I had a giant bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a turkey and swiss sandwich... on a Servatii pretzel stick. Not a huge bingeing event, but definitely used the last of my weekly points. I also earned some activity points by playing Just Dance with my stepdaughter. My arms are sore!
Today is the first Weight Watchers meeting. I am really excited to get started. I feel like I am looking at this as positive change instead of a punishment. I am also excited to be able to do something for myself. What I am SUPER excited about is putting the first dot on the giant graph/chart that I have hanging in the laundry room.
Today is the first Weight Watchers meeting. I am really excited to get started. I feel like I am looking at this as positive change instead of a punishment. I am also excited to be able to do something for myself. What I am SUPER excited about is putting the first dot on the giant graph/chart that I have hanging in the laundry room.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The journey begins...
I started this blog to keep myself accountable for my weight loss. I have no doubt that there will be more information shared than one might want to read, so I apologize for my openness in advance. Probably not even very interesting, really. Who wants to read about someone losing weight? Like watching paint dry. At any rate, my thought is that if I put everything down in words here, I will to some degree be held more accountable and have a better chance of staying the course.
-I am 5'2." I weigh 191.4 pounds. Yeah, I know. That almost defies the laws of physics.
-I have always been overweight. I have not always been this overweight.
- I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This makes it difficult for me to lose weight and have children. Not impossible; improbable.
-I have, however, had one child; she is now (almost) 2. She is one of my biggest reasons for wanting to make myself healthy; so I can play with her and run around with her, and so I can be here longer for her. My other big reason for wanting to lose weight is so that I can help reverse my PCOS far enough again to have one more child. There are more superficial reasons, too. Like having an easier time finding pants that fit, not being so sweaty, being able to see my collarbones, not feeling like a complete lardass, etc.
-I have always been a food hoarder/stress eater/plate cleaner/boredom eater. I have a compulsion to eat large portions and food that I really enjoy whether I am hungry or not, because "I might not ever get to eat this again" or "someone might eat all of it and I won't get any." Really? Preposterous. I have NEVER had any reason in my life to feel like I wouldn't be fed.
-Sugar and carbs are my specialty. I wish that I was a salad person. You'd probably have to put gummi worms and m&m's on the salad to get me to enjoy it, though.
-I have tried many things, but Weight Watchers was successful for me. Once. Maybe twice. I am going to try it again, because this time I mean it!!
-I am also not a fan of exercise. I like how I feel afterward, but I hate the preparation (aka, sports bra wrestling) and I hate the act of physical exertion. Maybe that will change when I no longer feel like a dancing hippopotamus. If I can be tricked into exercising, all the better. I will notice, though, if I start sweating. I think maybe the perfect exercise for me might be to dangle a cupcake in front of me like a carrot. I would probably walk all day long.
-I don't feel as fat as I look. I am often surprised by pictures of myself. Don't get me wrong; I don't feel like I have a flat stomach or cut arms or anything. I'm not delusional. I just like myself. I am happy. Fat, dumb, and happy. And I've been ok with that. Like my favorite doctor says, I may not be meant to weigh 137lbs like Weight Watchers says I am. While I'd still love myself if I weighed this much forever, I have to try. All self-depricating humor aside, I'm generally pretty happy with myself, no matter what I look like or feel like... I just feel like I can do things better for myself. But incase you were wondering, I don't notice that I'm overweight most of the time.
I am not planning on moving any mountains in the next few weeks. I am going to start with the Oprah-recommended (because she's the consummate authority on weight loss success) book A Course In Weight Loss. Even if this book turns out to be complete BS, I think it will help me to look at my food-related motivations from a different angle. I need to change the eating, start the exercising, and basically fix whatever is wrong in my head that compels me to eat the way that I do. Another little favor that I'm going to do for myself this week is to try to adjust my bedtime and wake up time. School starts in less than two weeks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)